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Photo by Filip Baotić on Unsplash

Sign Ordinance for Elysian Fields

In this month’s newsletter, we, the Elysian Fields Association Board of Directors would like to direct your attention to our Association’s rules regarding yard signs. There’s been a noticeable uptick in signs recently, and we thought a review of the policy is in order.

First of all, please, just one sign per yard. This is so all the signs running up and down the block can be viewed independent of one another–and not be mistakenly spray painted along with your neighbor’s. In point of fact, vandals in the community are severely frowned upon.

“Black Lives Matter” are certainly the most popular signs these days, and they might in fact deter angry ‘other folk’ wandering into our lovely piece of heaven from the low income apartments down the street. Though black lives do indeed matter, good golly, yes! And I’m told having one of these signs in your yard provides security. Might be able to deduct it on your income taxes, like your doorbell camera and AR-15.

Not to say “All Lives” don’t matter–goodness no. Think of one as a subset of the other–or as subsets of the universe as the Dali Lama likes to say–if so inclined — we try not to offend.

“Drive like your kids do.” — Oh, sorry — “Drive like your kids live here.” That’s what I meant to say, but the old iPhone’s auto-correction got away from me. Anyway, my kids used to live here, but they left. The one who was picked up in her BMW for DWI and ran over the gardener, I assure you she’s banned for life.

“Slow Kids At Play” is another popular sign, though personally I’m puzzled why you’d call your own precious cookie crumblers slow. Working for par, super-dupper ice cream scooper, high expectations, we’ll all stars here, but slow? Are you sure your family belongs in Elysian Fields? I thought the whole purpose of euphemisms was to show kindness for the lesser ones, like the Dali Lama taught… We want to practice kindness in our wonderful slice of Valhalla.

Trump and Biden campaign signs are verboten–end of discussion.

And lord, if Rand Paul or that Chevy Corvair crank, Ralph Nader runs for president again, no, I repeat NO campaign signs. And if I see one larger than one by two, it’s gonna get yanked! That means yours, Rob, no argument, f-ing conservative.

The signs that run on for complete sentences and paragraphs are a traffic hazard, as people continually slow down to read them. Those must go as well. I almost rear-ended Miss Sally yesterday–oh, get your mind out of the gutter–disgusting.

“We can agree to disagree on many things–except racism.” Seems pretty narrowminded to me. I’ll put away my swastikas when I march evenings, if you take your sign down, fella. I’m as entitled as you are–and my house cost way more ’cause it’s a corner lot and we have a sunroom.

Y’all stay good,

Signed, the Executive Committee, Karen, Karen, Bubba and Karen

Written by

A practicing writer and architect, he is now squandering hours making a mess from writing.

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